Student death experience?
A student (perhaps one of my advisees, but I have no recollection of this) at my school died in a car accident on Friday (actually 2 students died, but I only know one). I'm feeling that I should be having more of a response than I am (as it happens, I am much more upset by Valancy Jane's miscarriage, and I've never met Valancy Jane and she lives in California and the miscarriage happened 2 weeks ago). It could be that it just hasn't hit me yet (I did swear I saw the student in lab this afternoon), it could be that I am just a cold person, but it's most likely that this is something that really doesn't affect me directly. My question is, has this happened to anyone else? and do you have advice for what I do when around people who are affected directly? (i.e. while I had the student in one 80 person class Spring 2008, another professor had her in two classes last semester and 2 classes this semester. Most of my majors know her and lots were friends or class mates). I'll go to the on-campus memorial service, I'll send a note to her parents, but what do I do with/for other professors or students?
9 comments:
I would try to let them grieve. I had a student who had come to my class twice die. I didn't find out until a week later when the school was informed and then had to tell my class. It was awkward. If there's a counseling center - that's a good place to send people. But at least for me, I mostly just tried not to make it as obvious that I didn't really know the student that died. Others were rather upset while I really wasn't sure which student it was. I figured it out a few weeks later when their picture was in the paper. And then I felt relief that I knew which student it was. I'm sad for people that knew the student but I didn't really know them. So it's weird - it sucks and at least for me it was very odd. I wouldn't feel bad for not grieving for someone you didn't know. I spent a fair amount feeling guilty for not being upset. I'm not sure if my ramble made sense. But I tried to channel my guilt into something useful. ((hugs))
Thanks Beth, that does make some sense. I'm not feeling particularly guilty, at least not yet, but being around the other professor that is clearly shaken, I do feel bad for neither feeling bad nor being particularly comforting (and will admit one of my strongest emotions is gratitude that she wasn't in two of my small classes this semester, the way she was in the other professor's).
I wish we could edit our comments after they're posted.
As Beth said, don't feel guilty about not grieving. As for what to do, it sounds like some of your classes have a significant number of students who might have been friends with her. If that's the case, maybe you could announce that anyone who needs can postpone the next quiz/project/exam and make arrangements for making up the work.
I've been on the receiving end of people being awkward around me after my fiance died, and that made me feel even worse. Even if you aren't affected by the death, and don't know the person who is grieving and aren't 'feeling' anything towards the griever, but if you do have to interact with the griever (or be in the same room with them), go through the motions of saying you're sorry about the death and you can't imagine what the person is going through. Just accept it'll be awkward. I thought it was worse for people to pretend like nothing had happened. Ok, now I want to cry.
I agree with Debbie's comment about it being worse when people pretend that nothing happened. SS - I would try to help the people around you, which I'm sure you're doing.
Related comment but not on topic: With my school, I found out disturbingly that if a student died who was not currently enrolled in my class I would not be informed. Only current instructors are told. This bothers me but as a department without majors I'm not sure what the solution could be if it's not policy to tell all the faculty.
Thanks for your suggestions. Obviously (I hope) I am being sympathetic to those I know are affected. The harder issue for me is knowing who might be affected. I don't have best friends in my classes or boyfriend or family members, and my classes don't interfere with the services, so nobody has asked for permission to attend. I don't think it's useful to anyone to make a blanket announcement in a large class, but I would like to offer comfort to those needing it, if I knew who they were. I suppose I'll find out at the memorial service.
Deb, I appreciate the heartfelt advice and I hope that I can learn from your experience. Big hug.
Beth, I'm not sure if it is policy here, but I think such announcements are made to everyone here (although I did find it disturbing that I could read our President's statement in the paper before it was distributed to faculty).
I'm trying to decide that if a student died at my college what I would want the profs to do. We had a large humanities core course for fresh - junior year where the whole class (500 students) met once a week. I think maybe that would be the place for the school to address each class body. But the science majors in my class were a small number (8 chem, maybe 60 bio.cell/micro) so if it was a bio or chem major I would think each science class would have dread hanging over it the first couple days and that it would be helpful for the profs to say something like it'll be a hard week for us all. Or maybe to announce the memorial service schedule. But if it was someone from another major than I wouldn't think my science profs would address it. Who knows. Wow, deep thoughts for knitting group. Glad we have a group to bounce ideas off of.
Hi Debbie,
I really appreciate your viewpoint on this, it must be hard to share.
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